#126 | Why I went alcohol free
Frequently Asked Questions About Stopping Getting Drunk
“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it—basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.” — Charles Bukowski
“One discovers answers to problems only when one feels that they are burning and that it is a a matter of life and death to solve them. Is nothing is of burning interest, one's reason and one's critical faculty operate on a low level of activity; it appears then that one lacks the faculty to observe.” — Erich Fromm
A friend recently messaged asking about stopping drinking. It’s important to talk about the things that change our lives; it might help others. So these are the answers to the questions I routinely get asked when spotted sipping — and loving — Heineken Zero.
When?
I stopped drinking 4 yrs ago, and it changed my life. In my early twenties, I got used to waking up most Sundays feeling self-hate. Another weekend wasted. I am pretty harsh on myself, but who isn't? I'd force myself to exercise when I wanted to stay in bed. The anxious energy kicked me onto the tarmac with my trainers on; I’d punish myself, running away from the night before. It's hard to practice self-love when you routinely practice self-loathing behaviour.
Why?
I began to regret drinking every time I drank. The hangovers crippled me. I didn't like the loss of control, the messiness, the poor sleep. It was impacting my personal life. I didn't like drunk me (he once threw up in the back of a taxi, which was shameful). Oh, and I was utterly broke as I would spend a fortune when out.
In short: I was not living my most wholesome life.
Gradually or suddenly?
Like everything, I stopped gradually (painfully) and then all at once. It took me a year of trying to quit. As I wrote here, trying and failing is okay, so long as we continue to try.
Yet, failing to do something we at some point set our minds to is culturally equivalent to having a weak personality. It demonstrates a lack of self-control. I'm calling bullshit on this! It's better to have tried a thousand times and still return to a bottle of Beck's when life gives you lemons than to have never tried to turn the page at all."
I kept a day-by-day checklist on the back of my bedroom door. In the morning, I would tick to say I'm ready for a sober day. When I returned at night (with immense satisfaction), I would tick to confirm I was sober.
For months, I would have a good start to the week, and then the evening ticks would stop from Thursday to Sunday. I'd look at the gaps on the page and feel terrible. How could I have so little control? It was remarkable. I would leave in the morning with so much discipline and then return drunk.
In the end, I had a realisation. I saw a different way to live, and I wanted it. I remember sitting by the rooftop pool of my great uncle's house in Morocco (I know! ridiculous but beautiful), and I knew I would never have a home like his if I continued to drink. I would never be able to live a full, meaningful and long life. Only after this realisation hit me in the face could I commit to not drinking.
Books?
Alan Carr's Stop Drinking Now helped. It filled my mind with all the reasons why drinking is bad for me. The other book that helped is (the less famous) Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley. She records turning her life around, and is a great writer. A quote:
But today I'm having to live with the restless serpents. I remind myself that absolutely everything that is worth doing, everything that is game-changing in life, is accompanied by that feeling. If you're avoiding anxiety you're not properly living, I remind myself. I felt the same before every job interview, every first date, before getting married, before giving birth, before going off backpacking. Where would I be now if I'd avoided doing all those things (or got totally drunk beforehand)?
Changes?
Stopping drinking was only possible when I stopped hanging out in the pub with the people I used to drink with. This seems obvious now, but it wasn't to me! I thought it possible to have a glass of water while others had pale ale. It was not, and in the end, I cut my socialising back dramatically. I began to avoid temptation. I went for coffee and runs with friends instead.
Today I enjoy going to the pub. The alcohol-free beers have improved, and I'm not interested in getting drunk.
Relapse?
I have only once got drunk once since my trip to Morocco. A couple of years ago had two bottles of Becks with a mentor. I was smashed and staggered to dinner with a friend, which I drooled through. I didn't feel great about being in such poor form. Worse, I had a hangover after two small bottles of beer. This experience helped cement my decision.
Addict?
Yes I was addicted. I used to say 'no' because I didn't lose everything to my drinking. I remained healthy and was able to go to work.
But more than that, there is a stigma against admitting addiction.
It should be normal for people to recognise their addiction to an addictive substance. And alcohol is damn addictive. There is no way that alcohol would be legal if synthesised today. It is so disruptive to health and lifestyle it would be considered like smoking: Never done around children, not for bingeing, and a terrible lifestyle choice.
Today?
Even four years later, when I get up early on a Sunday to exercise (like I am today), I get a rush of joy. Why? I adore the freedom from a hangover; the morning is mine, and there is so much of the day ahead. No headaches will hit me at midday; I'm not grouchy at four or begging for bed by six. I don't binge food to soak up the regret. Life is balanced and great, and, heck, I have energy to do the things I love doing!
Alcohol serves a purpose for some, but not for me. I am chill being around drunk people, but this happens infrequently. Many of my friends have cut back on their drinking. I celebrate this. Recently I hosted a dinner for twenty, and only two bottles of wine were drunk. After the dinner, the waiter said it was the soberest evening he could remember — and he hosts AA meetings weekly. I laughed at that, and ordered a Becks Blue.
My Week in Books
The Art of Being by Erich Fromm. This was excellent, Fromm inspires us to live fuller lives. A quote:
“The outer chains have simply been put inside of man. The desires and thoughts that the suggestion apparatus of society fills him with, chain him more thoroughly than outer chains.”
Live well,
Hector
beautiful words, hector. sending love from afar!