#145 | Talking to strangers

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path.”

— Joseph Campbell

“When people tell you something is wrong, they're usually right. when they tell you how to fix it, they're usually wrong."

— Bill Hader

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A stranger is just someone you haven't become friends with yet. All your friends were strangers to you at one point. If you were late for the bus, bad weather cancelled flights, or your school shut down for reputational reasons, you'd be in a different crowd. In London, there are a lot of strangers and therefore lots of potential friends.

London has many great things, but meeting strangers isn't easy. Our phones and the British eye-contact-avoidance mean that strangers rarely talk. On a given day, you might walk past a thousand people you haven’t met. How often will you end up in conversation?

Entrepreneurs have attempted to fix our isolation, digitally. At school, we used to sit around on Chatroulette.com (for god's sake, be careful with that link). The website promised serendipity; it succeeded. The site showed us another user's webcam. But it delivered serendipity of six 16 y/o boys crowded in a study chat-rouletting a Russian propagandist or rouletting past faceless naked men. Hardly great conversation with strangers!

Some people meet a ton of strangers. Others hibernate. Some have exceptional magnetic charisma. Others, well… don't. This week I've been asking friends how they meet strangers — something I love doing.

Here is the advice I received:

1. Everyone wants to talk. People are begging to chat, but their cultural reserve keeps them from expressing it. Everyone wants to have a wonderful conversation and feel heard. More than that, most people want to talk about their problems (to process an argument they had earlier or share a crisis). Offer them the opportunity.

2. Trade energy. You have a lot of energy to give. When you're with great friends, this energy pours from you. But contagious energy is absent when queuing at the post office. As with everything, the hardest part is getting started. Be complimentary and open, smile and say, "Hello, how are you?". Offer up your energy to enhance the stranger's day; they'll appreciate it and share back.

3. Talk to all strangers, not just the ones you find attractive. In a sexualised world, talking to strangers might also mean “picking up girls”. We're all now limited to dating online — so having accidental conversations with a confirmed hottie remains is the narrative of a Richard Curtis film. Julia Roberts and orange juice. Pick-up artists share similar lists. Yet the best conversations are had with the seventy-year-old who where you have no romantic interest. Open conversations with anyone, not just prospective partners.

   

4. "Yes, and". This is an improv class rule-of-thumb, which "suggests that an improviser should accept what another improviser has stated ("yes") and then expand on that line of thinking ("and")". In conversation, this leads to naturally building the conversation layer by layer. "I've been to Munich", "Oh, I love Munich! I hear there are great wild swimming spots there", etc. You can say "yes, and" for hours.

5. Thread the conversation. To extend the example, if someone asks you where you're from, rather than saying "Munich" and effectively ending the conversation, offer up other conversation threads. "I live in Munich, but I did live in London. However, I've always wanted to live by the sea as I like sailing…" Each of these is a jump-off point for a new conversation. The other person can share an anecdote about their sailing trip. Maintaining the conversation becomes fluid.

6. Be comfortable with cold rejection. Talking to strangers is easy if you accept that some people don't want to. And that's okay. It's even more okay if 10% of people think you're a bit weird, but there is nothing odd about sharing an observation or asking how you are. Strangers are often busy.

7. Context matters, but it's surmountable. It's harder to meet people in London than in a hostel in Budapest. In the hostel, strangers are there to meet. In London, people only remove their Air Pods in an emergency. Even ordering coffee, the barista must resort to sign language to take payment. Undoubtedly, this makes it harder to break in! But these problems are surmountable

At Heathrow yesterday, I had time to kill. I turned to the woman next to me, “Who are you waiting for?” We were off to the conversational races. She explained her life, her aversion to Houndslow, and her schizophrenic husband that left her feeling trapped. She was eager to talk, and I was happy listen. It's not often that we greet strangers, so it’s appreciated when we do. It's a bit sad that so many people walk past each other, longing to say “hello” while holding back. It’s up to us to change that.

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My week in books

Any Human Heart by William Boyd. Reading and enjoying! What are you reading this week? Let me know, I love to hear your recommendations.

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Live well,

Hector

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